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Top Ten Signs You are Burned Out at you Job

10. You have the choice of sitting through a 6 hour Sales Motivational Seminar or coming into the office and realphabetizing your filing cabinet and you choose the seminar. (If you have never been to a sales seminar...they are part of the seventh level of of hell...just FYI)

9. You no longer walk the 50 feet down the hall to the restroom and just relieve yourself in the shredded paper container.

8. You call tech support because your email isn't sending and when the support weasel tell you to reboot you say "I don't know about a reboot, but how about I come down to the basement and put my BOOT right in your ass?"

7. You show up to work in last night's ball gag and cock ring. When your coworkers react with surprise and disgust you say, "What? Did I forget to shave again?"

6. When your boss comes by your desk to check on your TPS reports and finds you asleep you say "Oh, Hi boss. Sorry about the little cat nap. I spent all day yesterday hacking up oversexed teens at the carnival and I am beat!" When your boss says, "I thought you were sick!" you say, "That doesn't sound sick to you?"

5. When it comes time for the big product pitch for the execs you run up to the white board and draw a big gallows while asking: "Who wants to play hangman?" When the execs give you the 'what the hell' look you respond with: "Oh yeah, new products...ummm...how about a big white car that only drives 50% as fast as other cars, can only be filled up at 10% of the gas stations, can be serviced ONLY at company owned stores, and looks kinda sleak?" Oh, and you work at Apple.

4. On "Casual Friday's" you sit at your desk with Mary the bartender on your lap. When the nosy Sunday school teacher in the next cubicle peers over the divider at you and scowls you respond: "Crap, I thought it was Casual Sex Friday. My Bad."

3. You load the printer with construction paper. It's your new plan to "Make Invoicing a Little More Exciting."

2. You work in Customer Service and you begin answering the phone with the line "Thank you for calling GloboCorp where your pain is our pleasure. How may I ruin your day today?

1. You fill out all 50 lines of your expense report with "3 hours of tedious monotony - $3,000"

Due to an unusually late video game session Saturday night (I played Gears of War until 3:00 AM Sunday) I had a very hard time getting up for work this morning. Getting out of bed was so difficult that I started going through reasons to call in sick while I was in the shower. The old favorites of headache, stomachache, sick child, and gonorrhea just seemed a bit too tired to try out today. Without a good excuse, I came on in to the office because how many times can one be sick on a Monday? So, in honor of me overcoming my lazy ass tendencies and not wimping out I present the

Top Ten Least Used Excuses for Skipping Work

10. "Sorry boss, can't make it in today. I woke up too fat and can't button up my pants. Maybe if I sleep all day and don't eat I can make it in tomorrow though."

9. "Hello Sir? Yes, this is Scott. I just wanted to let you know that I am not going to be in the office today. What? Oh no, I'm not sick or anything I'm just not coming in. Huh? Why? Oh, well I kinda have a suspicion that there is going to be a lot of bitching about how slow the "server" is today along with a whole slew of paper jams in the copier, 50 forwarded emails about some new "virus", and constant trips to see old Mrs. Crabtree because her "Winders don't work". I just don't think I can deal with it on a Monday."

8. "Umm, Mr. Jones, I am going to be late today and I may not even be able to come to work at all. I am stuck waiting in line to be the first person to see the new BRATZ movie and it doesn't look like they are going to sell tickets early. I can't wait to see this movie. It looks epic man!"

7. "Dude, you'll never guess why I can't come to the Donut Shop today. You know that shitty 1989 Chevette I drive? Damn thing turned into a robot and ran away last night. I'M SERIOUS DUDE! My car is gone man! No, I don't think it was the transvestite hooker from Saturday that took it! I wrote her a check so why would she take it? I'm telling you it was a robot dude."

6. "Hi, Mr. Buckwold? Yes, this is Dan. Yes sir, I know I am late sir. In fact sir, I won't be there at all today. No, I am fine but my grandmother died last night. Thank you sir, but she has been ill for a while so it was expected. A week? No I don't need that much time. Just a few days. We have to Bar-B-Q her quickly before the meat turns rancid. Excuse me? Yes sir, I said Bar-B-Q. Why? Oh, we have to eat her so that her knowledge and spirit is retained within the family sir. You know, gotta keep up the family tradition and all. No sir, I never thought it was strange. Should I? Hmmm, I guess I never thought of it that way. Look, just tell the children that their teacher has some family business to take care of and that he will be back by Thursday at the latest. Yes, we will still have the pizza party on Friday. Those kids earned it and remind them that I am making the pizza so all they need to bring is something to drink. Talk to you later sir. Thanks for understanding."

5. "Hey boss guess what? I had a date Saturday night. Yeah man it was hot. It was this Canadian girl I have been talking to for the last few years over the internet. Yeah, she came down here for a business conference and we hooked up for the weekend. Yeah man, I am completely spent. Can't even stand up. Gonna use a sick day to "hydrate" myself if you know what I mean. What? You don't believe me? You saw me on Warcraft Saturday night? Really? You were who? HotCanuk69? It's been you all along? Why? Oh, you and Jimmy from accounting thought it would be funny? So you have been posting our "conversations" in the employee gym? I see, 'cause you knew I would never go there. You guys suck."

4. "Gotta take a sick day boss. Yeah, I am pretty sick. Oh yeah, all of that shit. Diarrhea, vomiting, headache, sore throat, fever I got it all. Look man, don't question me about this just go along ok? My girlfriend wants to take me to freaking Opera tonight and I don't want to go but she'll never believe I got sick at 5:30 in the afternoon so I just need you to help a brother out for a little while. Bros before hoes right? Oh, and don't worry about all the midget porn on your laptop. I cleaned it up Friday. Your wife will never expect a thing. See ya on Tuesday.

3. Text message "Can't come in. Abdctd by aliens. Ass kllng me. Elvis here too."

2. "Hey Paul, tell Mr. Dabney that I won't be able to make the sales meeting today. No, I am fine but I can't come in. Why? Why you gotta ask so many fucking questions? My wife used to ask a lot of questions and I sent her to visit her sister. I know her sister has been dead for 5 years. Got any more questions for me?"

1. "Sir? Hey, this is John I'm staying home. Why this time? I got my leg stuck in a cow's ass. Yes sir, again. No, I'm fine. Farmer Joe should be waking up any minute. No, he won't be happy to see me again. Well sir, after what happened last time I figured I owed that cow an apology. Oh, here comes Farmer Joe now. Yeah, he sees me. Uh oh, looks like he went to the gun show this weekend. Umm, I might need a few more days...CLICK"

"Cell" is Stephen King's take on the zombie story. I've had zombies on my mind all day so I suppose there is no better subject for the Wednesday top ten than the living dead.

Top Ten Reasons Why Having a Zombie for a Friend is a Bad Idea

10. Picking up chicks is damn near impossible when your best bud's rotting face is sliding off his skull.
9. That annoying habit of trying to bite your arm while you are kicking his ass in Madden '06 is a bitch.
8. The constant assaults by weekend vigilantes. It's not your fault the guy ripped your neighbor's daughter to shreds, but for some reason Mr. Jenkins thinks it's ok to bust down your front door with an ax.
7. The first time he called the hospital and told them to "send more paramedics" it was funny. After the 100th time...not so much.
6. You do know that they don't make deodorant for the living dead right?
5. While having a foot race, no matter how fast you run the little fucker always seems to catch up to you at the last minute. How the hell is that possible? The guy can hardly even walk.
4. It seems like the bathtub is alway full of half eaten limbs.
3. He never sleeps. Its all aaaarrrrggghhhh and uuuuuggggghhhh every night and day. Just cool it with the moaning for a little bit!
2. Do you think that chick will hold your hair while you vomit? Hell no! She's going to crack open your skull and chew on your brains.
1. Quite simply, zombies are completely unwilling to bail you out of jail....Ever.

I have been spending my lunch break this week watching World Cup matches in the warehouse. While I enjoy soccer and played many games as a kid and young adult, I will admit that the game can get kind of boring. Therefore, here is today's top ten list.

Top Ten Ways to make Soccer more Exciting

10. 2 random tiger pits per game.
9. Release a dozen chickens on the field during the second half.
8. Exploding balls...and I don't mean on the players!
7. Replace the goalie with an armor clad jouster. Lance not just recommended, but required.
6. Less strikers, more strippers
5, How about changing the rule that says 'you can not touch the ball with your hands" to "you can touch the ball with your hands, but only if you are wearing one of those big, foam #1 fingers".
4. Get a red card, get a kick in the nuts.
3. Camouflaged uniforms. Because how funny would it be to see a bunch of bodiless feet kicking around a ball for an hour and a half?
2. Soccer Hooligan cage match during halftime.
1. Goalie box...100% pudding.

Yeah, here is another try at doing a regular top ten list on Wednesdays. It's destined for failure, but you never learn to ride a horse by sitting in the fence.

Top Ten Things to do Before I Die
in no particular order

10. Hike the Appalachian Trail
9. Hanglide
8. Visit Washington D.C. and the Smithsonian
7. Fuck Angie Everhart Wait, what is that doing on THIS list? Sorry about the confusion folks. Let's try again...
7. Take a hot air balloon ride.
6. Attend a Shakespeare performance...in London.
5. Take a cruise.
4. Learn to scuba dive.
3. Visit Australia.
2. Fuck Angie Everhart Now damn it, you don't belong on this list! I won't tell you again.
2. Buy a Mac.
1. Buy 365 pairs of underwear on January 1 and never wear the same pair twice for an entire year. If it is a leap year, go commando for one day.

I am a simple man with simple dreams as you can tell by this list. I have to apologize for the problems with numbers 2 and 7. It seems my blog is mixing up some of my lists. I actually have many already written and stored in an archive for later use and it appears that some of the lists are getting confused. Well, that other list is just really a little something for me, but maybe I will post it at a later date. Then again, maybe I won't.

Top Ten Least Popular Video Games

10. Diaper Change Revolution

9. Extreme Virtual Rhinoplasy-Only available on XBOX 360!

8. Janitor Tycoon-Master of the Mop

7. Department of Motor Vehicles-ONLINE

6. Microsoft's Golf Cart Simulator

5. The Sims-Middle Management

4. Courtney Love's Crack Whore Experience

3. Super Mario Bros. 10 - Retirement

2. Ultimate Boat Show Fishing

1. Ron Jeremey's XXXtreme Masturbation

I really thought this would be better! Sometimes the topics sound easier than they turn out to be.

10. When the boss asks "What have you accomplished this quarter?", respond with "Well, this chart shows that I have come to work completed baked only 25 times which is a decrease of 10% over last quarter. That combined with less sick days due to being too drunk to get out of bed has resulted in a 2% increase in productivity. I think that's pretty fucking good don't you?"

9. Tell your supervisor that your lawyer must be present in order to keep you from incriminating yourself.

8. Start giving the hurry up hand gesture about halfway through the review and say "Can we speed this up a bit boss? I really need to get down to the copy room in 10 minutes or Susan from marketing is going to find someone else to make her feel like a woman today."

7. Try the jedi mind trick on every question. For example, say "You don't need to see my project status reports. These arent the reports you are looking for." and then wave your hand across your face.

6. Insist on sitting next to the boss because you feel uncomfortable with your back to a door.

5. Talk out loud to yourself as if you were hearing voices. When the boss asks you if you need help just look at him and say, "Who are you and how did I get here?"

4. Tell the company that it really sucks that they have blocked porn websites on the network. What do they expect you to do for 8 hours a day?

3. Play a game of "pocket pool" if you know what I mean!

2. Pull out a sandwich, take a bite, then ask "You wanna get some of this dog?"

1. Fall asleep. When your boss wakes you up respond with "What the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you see I was asleep?"

These are getting harder to write every day and aren't getting any better either. This feature is likely to die. Big loss I know.

10. Mashed Fish Heads and Cod Liver Oil

9. Rosie O'Donnell's Baby Lard

8. Gerber's Liquefied Jerky

7. Metamucil - Infant Formula

6. Beechnut's Shell Fish Medley

5. Marlboro's Wacky Tobacy Pudding

4. Diced Squirrel and Rabbit Actually still on sale in Mississippi

3. Chitlin Paste *Now Vitamin C Enriched*

2. "Drink Me Baby One More Time" Formula. Guaranteed 1 oz. of Britney's breast milk in every bottle.

1. Nog. No egg, just nog.

I have an hour drive home just about every day. Some days it is worse. Therefore, today's top ten list is inspired by may daily stress fest.

Top Ten Ways to Pass Time While Sitting in Traffic

10. Try to get the mini-van driving, desperate housewife in the next lane to pull over by offering to make her the subject of your next letter to Penthouse.

9. Jump onto hood of car and begin waving arms like a symphony conductor. Hopefully the all the honking horns will start sounding like "Jingle Bells."

8. Read, talk on the phone, paint your nails, shave, or anything else that is not driving. Surely it's not your fault all the cars have stopped. Right?

7. Watch midget porn on your in car dvd player. Everyone loves midget porn and the cops will be too amused to arrest you!

6. Try to drive while sitting in the passenger seat.

5. Put on a clown wig, roll down window, and start screaming that the monkeys are trying to steal your marshmellows.

4. One word: Macarena

3. Freak out your fellow motorists by asking them to pose for keepsake photos. Snap photo and then say, "Perfect, I'm taking you to bed tonight!"

2. Take your siphon along and snatch a few gallons of gas out of nearby cars while stopped. People are happy to give a little. This may result in physical injury to those not 23, female, blonde, and well endowed.

1. Drive your damn car and maybe we'll all get home faster! Morons!

I spent most of the weekend working in a local public school. Based on that experience, here is today's Top Ten List.

Top Ten Fun Things to do When Alone in a Public School.

10. Climb the rope as much as you want..naked.

9. Figure out where they store the square pizza and load the truck!

8. Reshelve all the books in the library based on color. Death to the Dewey Decimal System!

7. Go to the wood shop and build a mock Stonehenge. Snatch a fetal pig corpse from the biology lab and stake it out in the woodshop as a sacrifice. That should get some people talking.

6. Replace all the tampons in the girls' bathrooms with beef jerky sticks. You know, because everyone loves beef jerky.

5. Use intercom system to sing Alice Cooper's "School's Out for Summer ". Repeat as necessary.

4. Go to nurse's station. Wrap self in gauze. Hide in a history classroom. Walk around like a mummy when classes start.

3. Build a model of Devil's Tower out of the stuff they usually use to soak up vomit in the bathrooms.

2. Search through the art teacher's desk. That woman always seemed a little baked so there should be some good bud lying around somewhere.

1. Finally discover what the famed and mysterious "Teachers' Lounge" is really all about. (Incidentally, it smells a lot like ass.)