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"There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income." - Edmund Wilson (1895 - 1972)

"I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. 'Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege.'"

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" - Jean Cocteau

This makes a lot of sense to me.

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." - Michael Pritchard

"Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent." - Carl Jung

I wouldn't say that my life has been a failure, it just hasn't been what I thought it would be. Whose is when you get right down to it? I have a great marriage, a wonderful wife and a beautiful daughter. I am happy at home. I can't say that for many of the people that have crossed my path over the years. Shouldn't that be enough? Am I selfish to think that I should be happy at work too? Maybe it is too much to ask that work enhance my life outside of the monetary benefits. I really don't believe that. It is just a way for me to rationalize the loss of my professional life.

Actually, I can't even say that because I never had a professional life. I made a mistake many years ago when I decided to pursue medicine. I was not interested in being a doctor or in helping people. I just wanted money and respect and everything else that goes with that profession. Even in 8th grade when I decided that medical school was my goal I knew it was only so I could be rich. I still clearly remember the day when the school counselor came by to talk to us about high school. She said we needed to start thinking about our future now so we could take the right path through school that would help us reach out goals. She then listed a set of careers on the board in estimated salary order to give all of us an idea about the possibilities that were out there. Of course "doctor" was at the top.

That settled it for me. I wanted to be at the top. I wanted to show all those kids that I would be the winner one day. I made a dreadful decision during that class and followed it through until I was a junior in college. That one, stupid choice shaped the course of the rest of my life. It was responsible for my choice of classes in high school, my choice of college, my classes and experiences in college, and ultimately my current situation. Because I was not open to other possibilities, I avoided things I may have interested me. The focused mindset that developed over the years toward medicine crowded everything else out. At 30, I am only now discovering everything I missed.

So, when I say I have lost my professional life, it is more accurate to say that I never had one. By the time I realized that medicine was not for me, it was too late to try something else. I finished my degree in history (useless FYI) and moved right into working full time at the only other thing I knew how to do, working with computers. Hell, I was hired at the company I am working for now to fix electronics. Yeah, I was hired to be a service tech. Really noble huh? I have spent years since learning networking and software administration mostly on my own. Stuff I did not even need to go to college for. It has payed the bills and payed them well, but it feels hollow. It is something I do because I have to, like wiping your ass. You don't want to do it every day and sometimes it makes you sick, but if you don't, shit gets everywhere and on everything. You have no choice. I have no choice.

I can only say this, the course of events that lead me here did have a purpose. If I had gone to another school, or not found computers, I would not have my wife and daughter. All things considered, that would be the bigger loss. I can change things today. Even at 30 I can start over. It will be hard and scares the hell out of me, but it is possible. Looking at my daughter, I can see a bright future. Not just for her, but for me. For my wife. For all of us.

Now, which way to go...

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man." - Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

"It is often easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." - Adlai Stevenson

Quote of the Day

"Experience is a good teacher, but she sends terrific bills." - Minna Antrim

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind." - Aristotle

"When liberty is taken away by force it can be restored by force. When it is relinquished voluntarily by default it can never be recovered." - Dorothy Thompson