Still Here

I am constantly amazed at how fast time moves the older I get.  February, March, April, and now May have all come and almost gone and to me I still feel like Christmas was just a few days ago. I think of all the things that come with getting older that is the one curiosity that I keep coming back to. I try not to dwell on it to much because if I do I start to realize the if my life expectancy is anything like my father’s then I am two thirds done with my time on Earth and that scares me. Really and honestly it frightens me to a point that in those quiet moments in the day when I am left alone with my thoughts I can imagine myself going insane from the fear of death.  It passes and I move on but those moments are real and something I didn’t experience until the last year or so.

With that being said, in some ways I am happier than ever. I am really enjoying life with my wife and daughter. We are working well as a family.  We are having fun and most of the time truly seem to enjoy being around each other. Emily is reaching the age where she can talk deeply and knowledgeably about many things and we have some great discussions.  The three of us really work well together and have been having some wonderful family experiences. I look forward seeing how our family continues to evolve over time.

The year anniversary of my father’s death came and went and I did not really address it publicly. I just couldn’t find words that fit how I felt. I miss him a lot.  More now than right after when he passed. I am having a hard time with the thought of “never again” when it comes to talking to him and the further removed I am from his death the more real and painful that reality becomes.  He was a good person, better than I will ever be, and someone I didn’t have enough time with when he was here.

One of the great things in life is finding or understanding your purpose. I am not sure I have it right yet but I get the strong impression that my purpose is to be a father. I don’t know if I am doing it right but I enjoy the hell out of it and watching Emily grow up has been the real joy of my life. I don’t know how often it happens but in our case Emily really is greater than the sum of parts that came to make her.  I believe Cindy would agree with me on that.  She is smart and funny and has a kindness in her that I never had. I hope the world does not burn it out of her. If she can be that person when she is 30 then I would feel like I did my job.

Anyway, I am still here, alive and kicking. At least for another day anyway.  There are only a few hours left so I think I will be able to close this one out. We’ll just have to wait and see how tomorrow goes.


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