The 30 Day Challenge was a complete failure. I didn’t make it two weeks and today I feel worse than I have probably all year. There has been a bit of a cold/infection thing going on but even outside of that am just not feeling good. I suppose starting such a thing in November was a touch way to start and going to Kentucky for Thanksgiving probably didn’t help but the blame for failure starts and ends with me. I don’t know if it is laziness, I’m certainly have plenty of that, or if it is some other biological thing that keeps me from making permanent changes that are better for me. I find I just can’t build up enough momentum to get me over the times when I am in spots to make bad decisions.
Even after the bitter taste of failure I keep learning things about my own habits. What has been really interesting is that on more than one occasion I wanted to not get soda with breakfast or lunch and yet I still heard the order come out of my mouth. It is almost as though it is automatic. There were even moments when I would shake my head in disgust after ordering a Coke. What the hell is THAT behavior all about anyway? I feel like I am way to smart to be doing things like that but it happened over and over again. I can’t help but wonder if there really is a brain thing going on and am I suffering from some kind of mental illness where I can’t get control of my own decisions.
So now it is the middle of December and I feel terrible both physically and emotionally. In order to do the things I want to do and have the life experiences I want to have I desperately need to get to a healthier place but I have come to see that it will be difficult if not impossible to do it on my own. I can’t afford to pay for help either so I am stuck trying to work it out by myself and it isn’t going well. I keep trying though in hopes that one day everything will come together and I can get to the person I think I can be. For someone who only truly relies on himself this consistent trend of failure is rather depressing. The only thing I can do is keep pushing on and keep trying to get something to stick. Time, however, is running out.