So I had this Crazy Thought…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately.  Not so much about flying cars, nuclear powered personal home energy generators, or flying to Jupiter for vacation but really about just the next ten years.  The last few years have been fairly tough for us.  Certainly it has been tough for a lot of people and my family and I have dealt with our share of rough spots but I am happy to say that we are getting through it together.  Ever since I finished graduate business school, however, I have personally suffered from a lack of direction and I think that has exacerbated the situation.  Once I reached that goal I found I didn’t have something else lined up to work towards and things become quite stagnant.  I haven’t been able to see much past the next paycheck and haven’t had anything major to work toward or look forward too and I am beginning to think not having those things is a bigger problem than I had believed.  As I have come to this realization I have started tossing around ideas in my head that are both scary and wonderful at the same time.

The crazy thought that has been occupying my free cycles has been going to law school.  Yes, I realize how insane that is for someone in my position.  I have commitments, responsibilities, and obligations that put going to school full time out of the range of possibilities but the thought still exists.  I think the recent political changes in our society of inspired this line of thinking.  I see our country moving away from the principles of liberty and freedom and is scares me.  It is therefore not surprising that my mind has been occupied by thoughts of Constitutional law.  I realize, however, going to law school would just be another way to try and put off the one thing that seems to trouble me the most…becoming an adult. 

I think the reality for me is that I don’t want to be a professional anything and going to school…again…is a way to act like I am living up to my potential while really I just do something I am actually good at – regurgitating information.  No, going back to school is really out of the question and I wouldn’t want to put my family through that again nor is it really something we could afford.  Still, I can’t stop thinking about the academic pursuit. 

Of course there are other things that continue to tickle my fancy.  I have been saying for years that I missed the boat on a career in science.  Lately I have been enamored with the study of aquatic life and I have often remarked to my wife that I should have been a marine biologist.  It’s a shame I didn’t realize that interest while in college.  My mind, however, was focused on other things I suppose.  Still, I find myself drawn to aquariums and marine documentaries and while thinking about days on the ocean or lake studying ecosystems and the wealth of life below the surface.  I don’t know if these thoughts are just the mind yearning to experience something new and different or if they are clues to something deeper.  There really is no reason for me to feel any special affinity for water.  I was born in a land locked state and have only been to the beach half a dozen times in my 34 years of life.  No matter, such a life is beyond my reach but I doubt I would turn down an offer to live near water.

All of these flights of fancy aside, I need something to work toward some kind of goal and I feel it almost has to be academic in some way.  It doesn’t need to involve formal school but I need to find something that interests me enough to keep me going.  For the second time in my life I find myself without a direction.  Can’t say I like it much.

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