I declare open season on elves!

Yep, the “Kick in the Nuts Elves” are at it again folks. Usually they contain their mischief to the holiday season, but apparently they have begun to branch out and fuck with me throughout the year.

I got home from vacation on Saturday and noticed that the front of my lawn and drainage ditch was wet. No big deal I thought. Probably just the water from the flowers and rain that hasn’t had time to dry yet. When things were still soaked on Monday, I knew I had a problem. I got home yesterday and dug out the area around a junction box in one of my flower beds and found a nice leak filling my yard with crystal clear tap water from the Helena Utility Board. Oh happy day! The elves struck while I was out of town. Those puny little bastards!

Now that I think about it, they did something similar the last time I was out of town for a while. I got back from a trip and found that my fish tank pump was not working right and my living room floor was covered in water. I don’t know what it is with water, but those little fuckers love to mess with it. So, I now have to get a plumber to come dig up my flower bed to fix the leak. How many of you think this kind of repair is cheap? Yeah, that’s what I though…none of you. Of course I just have gobs of money lying around that did not get spent at one of the most expensive vacation spots in the world.

Yeah, I am just rolling in dough…not!

Therefore, today, May 16 is the official opening day of elf hunting season. The season ends when every single one of those pointy eared, green, bearded, nut sacks are cleansed from the face of the earth. I plan on using hammers to smash them, blenders to grind them, microwaves to explode them, hair spray cans and lighters to burn them, and many other devilish devices to end the scourge of the elf race. Remember folks, elves are not the nice, little sprites you see in the movies and read about in fairy tales. They are malicious fiends who take pleasure in ruining your day when you least expect it. Elves are the creatures that hide your keys when you are late for an appointment. They are the devils that give you a flat tire on the coldest day of the year. They are the force behind every “mistake” at the bank that causes you to bounce your rent check and they are the masterminds of the plot to ruin your wedding day.

Elves are a cancer and must be eradicated. Please join me in celebrating Elf Hunting Season 2006!


I declare open season on elves! — 1 Comment

  1. OMG! I am in tears!!! Too funny hon!!!
    You crack me up — I thought you were handling this latest thing with the house from hell very well, now I see you have lots of pent up anger!
    Take a deep breath and relax –it’s all part of owning a home baby!